baby blues

I've decided that after about 6 months of sheer neglect, I had better update my blog. My last post began on a similar note...and that was after I hadn't written since June. Of 2011. I'm realizing that before my last brief summer summery it has almost been a full year since I have been keeping the blog up. GEEZ! I need to do something about this! It's just been more difficult to spend time on the computer now that Emma only takes a single nap a day. And when she's up, there is no "me" time. :/ Okay so a LOT has happened. Let's start back in September, where we left off. Casey's baby brother got married. Sydney and I made the wedding cake which was stressful but turned out really nice. October was full of parties and trick-or-treat events...fun for the whole family. Lots of festivities. :) I have sooo many pictures that I am just going to have to skip them because the thought of it is overwhelming me...which is probably why it's taken me so long to get all caught up on this stupid blog. So actually we should just skip to November, when the action begins. In November we FINALLY got into our three bedroom apartment. What a blessing!! Considering baby #2 was to arrive only a month later, the timing couldn't have been more perfect. It's a great place. Brand new carpets, new light fixtures, everything cleaned up to feel like new. Not to mention an enormous amount of extra space compared to our little one bedroom! It's been nice. :) Still, the second smallest place we have ever lived in, but very nice. So then Emma moved out of our room, out of her porta crib (her crib never fit in our little room. Sad, right??) and into her very own room, and her very own big girl bed! She transitioned very smoothly. It was a beautiful thing.

Thanksgiving was relaxing. It was our very first one spent at our own home. Ryan and Cristina came and spent the day with us, which was fun! We drove up to the mountains and played in the snow. Cristina's first time playing in the snow!!

I was due to have Grace on December 21st. On the 20th I was going in to be induced. On the night of the 19th I was very emotional! I cried for Emma. I knew that it would be her last night as the only child in our lives. It would be a very big change for her. I worried how she would feel about it all...I worried about how I would feel. And I was scared. Because the next day I knew that I would have another child to take care of. How on earth would I be able to do it?

December 2oth Casey and I went in to the hospital at 4pm so that I could be induced. Emma was with a babysitter. The nurses got me all situated, explaining that there would be no baby tonight, but that I would be hooked up to Pitocin and monitored throughout the night. To everyone's surprise...I was already in labor! Dilated to a 5 and in labor. Within the hour I was dilated to an 8. Umm...how was this possible? I had absolutely NO pain whatsoever. Such a different experience than with Emma. Those contractions were pure hell. But not this time! The nurses told me that I would most likely get along just fine without an epidural. Well that's great, I thought. No epidural for me! Ha ha right. I decided I had better get one anyway because if it did ever start to hurt, I would be very sorry. So I got my epidural that evening and then the doctor broke my water and then the contractions slowed down because of the epidural. So they gave me Pitocin, which then caused contractions that could be felt through the lousy epidural (another difference in my 2 labors...epidurals are supposed to NUMB you! 100%! Oh don't give me that "you need to feel yourself pushing" garbage. I have pushed a child out before, fully numb mind you, and I guarantee you that I could do it again!!) Kinda frustrating and nasty to have to feel the whole thing. But it was over soon enough and the pushing only lasted 10 minutes. I'm forever grateful for my small head, contributing to my childrens' small heads....you know where this is going. Grace Marie was born at exactly 11:00pm at 7lbs 14oz and 20 inches long. My beautiful chubby miracle. Okay, not chubby, but compared to Emma, chubby. After she was born I bled too much, which made me nervous because I barely bled at all with Emma. And anyone would be nervous by the look of panic in my doctor's face...and the sound of it in his voice. A few minutes that lasted an eternity passed and all was well. I got to hold and nurse my baby and the only thing missing was my little Emma! But she came first thing in the morning to meet her new baby sister.

Christmas was magical. Kind of a blur, but it was just the 4 of us. I will never forget the lazy Christmas Eve meal of Big Macs and shakes, or the long soothing drive we took to see the Christmas lights. Or the happy morning we all spent together sharing gifts and just being together.

There were lots of scares with Grace in the beginning. Pretty severe jaundice, which was made out to be even scarier due to an unprofessional nurse practitioner who literally CRIED while explaining to me that "there is something wrong with Grace, we just need to find out what it is..." Yeah not a great moment for post postpartum mommy. She had to be under the lights for a while and poked and prodded daily. :(

And the NP cried yet again when Grace got a really bad infection in her belly button...which is extremely dangerous because of the blood vessels surrounding the area making the possibility of sepsis very high. Sepsis is a life threatening infection of the blood. In her case it would have resulted in a blood transfusion. At 2 weeks old. We didn't know if she'd make it. Several blood tests later we find out that she would be fine and the relief I felt that day cannot be described.

Life went on, but I was barely coherent. Life after baby is tough. Especially baby number two. It is waaaaay harder with baby #2. Postpartum depression hit and I was a mess. Her antibiotics did not help with this depression...because it caused her to have the worst diarrhea meaning I had to wake up and change her, feed her, change her, feed her again and then rock her to sleep giving me barely any time to get any sleep myself and I could not help but to just rock her and cry. Not to mention the fact that there is no "sleeping when baby sleeps" when you have a toddler. Nor is there any sleeping in. Nope, no sleeping passed 6:30am no matter how few hours of sleep I had gotten that night. Oh my....looking back at that first month and I just don't even want to think about how overwhelmed and defeated I felt. And imagine all of this topped with an overpowering sensation of GUILT weighing you down at every moment. Guilt that Emma was no longer the only baby. Guilt that I had less time to spend with her. But also guilt that I had less time to spend with Grace than I had with Emma for her first 2 years of life. Guilt that I was doing everything wrong, and that my babies were just feeling neglected. It was rough. Emma loved Grace dearly, but acted out toward us in the worst way. It was miserable. It was exhausting. It was hard.

But it was all worth it.

The first month passed and I finally got a grasp on life once again. I adapted. Emma adapted, making life so much easier. And day by day we got back into a routine and now life is as "normal" as it is going to get. :) Everyone is happy and healthy and my baby girls are my life.

Grace is now 3 months old and in the 25% for height, 75% for weight! Emma was at 5% so this is a great relief to us. Since Emma was declared "severely malnourished" after 6 months of exclusive breast feeding we tried something new with Grace. Let's just say Grace is the most laid back, happy baby I have ever met. And after going through what we did with Emma...I am loving the "break".

Emma is doing great. She is in "school". It's an Early Children's Learning Center. She needed to be part of something to stimulate her active mind and to give her more interaction with kids her age. It has been great for her to have this outlet. She has been more well behaved and I know that she loves going.

Emma loves to sing, she loves to dance. She thinks she is hilarious, but who can really blame her? ;) She talks up a storm, tells me stories. Her sentences are getting longer and even more "mature" and she is very friendly and outgoing. She is very independent, as are most 2 year olds. She knows her ABC's, her 123s, her colors and most shapes. She can "read" us her favorite books, knowing exactly what each page is about. She asks sooo many questions all day long, and is soaking everything up like a little sponge! She helps me with all of my daily tasks, especially when it comes to mothering little Gracie. She puts such a smile on my face! As does Grace. I love that cuddly baby to pieces.

I apologize for how scatter brained this post has been. I just wanted to hurry up and type it all out so that I can go to bed. I have so many pictures. My next post will be full of pictures, and less writing. Because those are more fun anyway, right? :)